Amsterdam

Just got back from my little Euro trip, the purpose of which was a conference and paper presentation. But more on that later...

On July 2 I flew from Ottawa to Philadelphia, sat in that airport for 8+ hours, then flew the red eye to Brussels. With a small child kicking my seat, I got very little sleep and arrived rather dazed and groggy. Took the train straight to Amsterdam and arrived there even more dazed and groggy. It was around 2 p.m. - far too early to go to bed - so after depositing my backpack at a youth hostel I roamed the streets.

The centre of Amsterdam is a maze of canals and small streets - confusing at the best of time and more so when I was too tired to properly read a map. I kept heading the wrong way, turning around, twisting upon myself.

I had another chance to visit the city after the conference and was just beginning to get my bearings when it was time to leave. What I loved most was all the bicycles - vintage, uprights that were everywhere. Streets have several lanes - one in each direction for bikes (photo is of one of the signs designating bike lane), one for trams and others for traffic.


Of course the red light district is partly what makes this city so famous. My last night in Amsterdam I was in a youth hostel right in the heart of this - but I had chosen it because it was one of the few that has a 2 a.m. curfew. Most hostels advertise with 'No lockout! No curfew!' which isn't great if you want some sleep. The streets were full of young male tourists who strutted by the windows where prostitutes in glowing bikinis put on a half-hearted shows. There were also rasta youth with glazed eyes, drifting between coffee shops and hanging out in the cobblestone plazas.

For the most part I was alone in my wanderings, but Amsterdam is a great place to people watch. I liked the accepting, non-judgmental attitude. Those which are considered vices in most cities are placed in the open - and become much more humane.

We didn't have your phone number

It has been two weeks since I last visited Mr. Ditchfield, a senior I have been visiting almost every Sunday for over 5 years. I went this afternoon, ready with apologies, hopeful that I may be able to convince him to allow me to take him outside so he could see the roses and day lilies.

"Where are you going?" Theresa asked when she saw me in the hall. I know her from the Saturdays at Bingo and as a friend of Mr. Ditchfield.

"To see Mr. Ditchfield."

"He's dead."

I can't say the news came as a total surprise. He was 96-years old and his health wasn't good. For the last few months he has had difficulty eating, has fallen a few times and was in considerable pain.

"We didn't have your phone number. I was thinking about you and wanted to let you know... Come with me, I'll show you the paper for his funeral."

I walked with Theresa down the familiar hall to the nurses' station. The head nurse was glad to see me. "I've been thinking about you," she said. "We didn't know your name or how to contact you. I've seen you here every week, but I never got your name."

Theresa showed me the obituary pinned on the bulletin board. She fought back tears as she recalled what a good friend he was to her.

It seems he died a few hours after I last saw him. Theresa had also visited him in his room that day and was building a puzzle in the common area when someone came to tell her he had passed away. Quietly. Alone.

In the picture I've posted here he is standing beside a hook rug he made. Ever since I first met him, he has almost always been working on one of these, or taking a break with a jigsaw puzzle. He made a beautiful, large Canadian flag that hangs in the cafeteria on the main floor. All his friends have at least one colourful square.

In the last year he has had more difficulty following patterns and often during my visits I would help him by re-doing sections, filling missed stitches or outlining an area. Time passed quickly as I worked on his rugs or helped him build the difficult part of a puzzle. He would watch me work and tell stories of the days when a riding the streetcar cost a nickel and horses pulled sleighs and carriages down Bank Street.

Theresa has offered that I go with her to the funeral in the car that is being sent for her. The head nurse gave me a hug and told me that Mr. Ditchfield talked often of me and cared for me. I choked on some tears and left with the obituary in my hand. It really shouldn't be surprising. Perhaps I shouldn't even grieve. But Ann passed away in February and now he is gone too. It's a quiet sort of sadness... a passing, a loss of a loved friend.

truth and reconciliation

Last night I attended a public forum at the National Archives for the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) which is being set up for survivors of Indian Residential Schools. Scheduled on National Aboriginal Day, this was an opportunity for the public to learn about TRCs and give input on how a TRC might work in Canada. Other forums have been held around town, at Native centres and at universities.

The TRC is part of the negotiated settlement between government, churches and Indigenous peoples in response to the recognized human rights violations of the Residential School system. I'm taking a spring course right now which is looking at post-colonial, Indigenous issues in Canada - so this discussion is really relevant to what we have been studying. In other course work, and in preparation for my thesis, I have been researching TRCs in Africa and reading a lot about healing and reconciliation. Sometimes reading can seen sterile - removed from experience. So it was exciting last night to watch and listen to how a Commission could be set up in Canada - what are the expectations, the limitations, the hopes and the fears. It seems corny to say, but it was one of those times when I was aware of being part of history.

I also felt like I got a little taste of what a TRC could look like. Two speakers talked about their experience in the Residential School system. Violet Ford, an Inuit lawyer and Residential School survivor spoke through tears about the feelings of anger, loss and frustration that she and her community is working through. "I see the TRC as such huge hope for our people, for our nieces and nephews and those who come after us," she said. She added that she hoped it would not only help heal her community, but also allow the Canadian public to understand "what we've been suffering from." When she talked about the need for Canadians to attend the TRC and "hold out their hands" to survivors, I could see my place in all this.

I am also excited to be finding opportunities to use my role as an academic and researcher. I met someone who recently finished a conflict resolution master's at University of Victoria. She is doing research for this TRC process in order to provide Commissioners (who will be selected in September) with background on TRC process as well as the input received from these forums. I talked to her about the possibility of doing some of my course research on the TRC project and she welcomed the idea. I know that I tend to bite off far more than I can chew when it comes to research papers, but often doing coursework just for the grade seems inefficient to me. If I'm going to be putting in all this time, why not make it count?

That is a huge part of what it means for me to be an academic. How do I make it count? How can I contribute to social justice? Last night I saw an opportunity.

fashion knits

I found this fabulous patter at the Red Cross this week. I brought it home to show V what I could knit for him and his greyhound (should he ever get said greyhound).

Wouldn't they make a stunning pair strolling down Byron Avenue?




There was also a great sweater set I could knit for us as a couple. It may not be exactly what is in the fashion magazines these days, but it will catch on.

Now where am I going to find someone who can style my hair like that?

wedding dreams...

For the last two nights I've dreamt that I am late and ill-prepared for my wedding. Last night I showed up at a small wooden church where everyone was waiting but I was wearing a strange pink dress and kept insisting I was not ready. "Don't worry," I was told. "This is just the practice run."

There was a minister behind a ticket-booth like window who gave me a form to fill out. The first question was, 'Who is the person in your life with whom you get along with the least and how are you addressing this problem?' Apparently I have to pass a conflict studies pop quiz before I am allowed to get married.

I was then in a car with V, driving in snow-filled streets on last-minute errands. We were stopped waiting for something and I offered to run to Tim Horton's to get him a hot chocolate. But I kept missing the restaurant and got lost in the snow. A car stopped to give me a lift, but once in their car I realized we were leaving town so asked to get out. I was walking through the snow when I met a good friend of mine out walking her dog Beemer. She and her boyfriend gave me a lift back to the church where it was now time for the real thing.

Suddenly it was summer again and I was told that my mum had my dress. Someone handed me a long silver gown. "But I've never even tried this on before," I thought. Behind the chapel was a series of curtained stalls to change, with small signs indicating the stalls for bride, groom and wedding party. I was just trying on the dress when I woke up.

Right now I can't remember the other dream, but know that in it as well I was rushing around disorganized and late. I actually have to plan and organize very little of my wedding - in fact all I really need to do is show up. And yet in my dreams I rush and worry. I rush and worry during the day too - but not about that. I guess I save my wedding dreams for bedtime.

Living on the Streets

For four days this month, I was homeless.

For four chilly nights I slept in parks and learned the value of cardboard. I ate at homeless shelters and begged for food. I learned how generous people are, especially those who have the least to give.

This was part of a 'street retreat' called Bearing witness to Homelessness. Organized by a local Shambala mediation center and lead by Zen peacemaker Sensei Gauntt, it was described as an opportunity to go beyond our selves and our limits, to open ourselves to the experience of poverty and homelessness. Indeed it was all this and more.

The 15 other participants and I had been instructed to come to this retreat with warm clothes, a bus ticket, a piece of ID - and nothing else. No money, no watch, no cell phone or notebook. For five days we had not washed our hair; the men had not shaved.

Since we would be availing ourselves of some of the homeless services in town, in order to participate on this retreat we were required to raise $350 for local shelters and services. I am sincerely grateful to my friends and family who collectively gave me $420. For each person who gave, their initials were written or carved on my Tibetan mala which I carried with on the retreat.

But those are the logistics of the retreat. The experience is harder to describe. I'm still processing it.

What stands out most is the time we spent in shelters and missions. In the past I have volunteered and worked at drop-in shelters, but that was always from the perspective of me offering something to others. This time, I was receiving.

I am grateful for every meal I received - made sweeter by the hunger and by the community I shared it with. One morning at the Salvation Army I sat across from an elderly woman with plastic bags at her feet and gold in her teeth. She noticed that I had not taken the small carton of milk that came with breakfast and I tried to explain that I didn't want it, but she did not seem to understand. "Milk," she said again. I went back to the counter and got my milk and gave it to here. "Merci," she said with a smile. There was bacon on my plate, I gestured to see if she wanted it and gladly she took it. "Merci." When she saw I was not eating all my toast, she pointed to those as well. I handed them over and she carefully wrapped them in a paper napkin before putting them in a plastic bag. She got up to leave and I realized there was a small container of margarine on my tray. I touched her arm to get her attention and handed it to her. "Merci," she said again, then bent over and kissed me on the cheek. That kiss stayed with me all day.

'Sharing' could probably be the word that best describes this retreat. Body heat at night, food during the day. When my lips were chapped and burning from the cold and wind I panhandled for $2 to buy a small container of lip balm which soon was being passed among all. A man living at the Salvation Army gave us toothpaste and sunscreen. One loaf of bread fed 16 mouths.

There are so many other stories I could tell. Of old André and his dog Mutt. Of the restaurant which gave us delicious soup at closing. Of the construction of cardboard condominiums. Of circles of sharing and community. Of a man who gave me two bags of groceries when I had only asked for some bread. All together, I feel very blessed.

"Let us forever remember the causes of suffering.
Let us forever believe in the end of suffering.
May we always have the courage to bear witness,
To see ourselves as Other and Other as ourselves."
- Zen Peacemaker cantation

end of term

There is something a little surreal about student life. Cramming my head full of information, only to have that buried under more. Reading so much that at a certain point my eyes keep scanning the page but nothing is registering in my brain. Writing so many papers and assignments that I can't always remember what I said and if I really even think that anymore...

But the end is in sight. Two more classes (at both of which I need to hand in term papers), then a take home exam on Thursday. Then I'm done for the summer! I'll be able to read novels! Paint the walls! Excavate the den and find my desk under the piles of papers...

It actually has been a good term. I took a class in identity-based conflict where we looked at the basic human needs - security, connection, action, meaning and recognition - and how threats to these fuel conflicts. Our prof had a supplementary reading list for the class of about 50 books and we had to read 120 pages from this list each week. These books were so excellent though that often I didn't stop at page 121. Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning actually made me change certain thoughts and patterns in my life. Other books like Destructive Emotions and No Future without Forgiveness have also challenged me to reexamine the way I do things and my motivations.

But during these last weeks, curling up with an inspiring book even seems too much of a luxury. I've been tied to my computer cranking out assignments and term papers. I'm proud of myself though - in the last 3 days I wrote a 5,500 word paper, complete with about 40 pages of appendices! Today I have to finish a 5,000 word paper. Right now I'm sitting at around 3,500 words.

This last week reminds me of when I walked the pilgrimage to Santiago in 2004. Toward the end, I was so tired and so ready to arrive. There were over 50 kilometres left and instead of breaking it into two legs as most people did, I decided to push all the way through. I had never tried to walk more than 50 kms in a day, but then again I always had to be keeping some energy in reserve for the next day, and the next. But so close to the end, there was no need to hold back. I set off early and paced myself. For the last 15 kms I did not stop walking, since I knew that if I sat down I would not get up again.

I made it to Santiago in just under 12 hours. The next day my aching feet would barely carry me from the hostel to a cafe. But I was proud to have pushed myself, seen what I was capable of.

This is no physical feat I'm attempting this weekend. But if I can write almost 10,000 words in 4 days, it will be a new record. And oh what a feeling of satisfaction when I can hand it both papers on time and have nothing more hanging over me.

Now back to work.

Another passing?

Went to see Mr. D today. He is the other senior I visit on Sundays - the only one now that Ann is gone. I haven't seen him for a few weeks and it was a shock to walk in to his room and find him lying in bed, sunken and shriveled. Wearing only a night shirt and no teeth, he looked skeletal. He said he hasn't eaten in weeks.

I've never before seen Mr. D in bed. Usually when I come he is bent over his little table, working on a hook rug or a puzzle. Sometimes he is dozing, but he has always been more or less upright. But he's been mostly in bed for the last few weeks - the time that I have been away.

I can't say for certain that he is dying. But he certainly doesn't look well and it is hard to know what to hope for. He had surgery in his stomach years ago and apparently it has become infected and he is coughing up some nasty stuff. I held a glass so he could sip water through a straw - such tiny, weak sips- and gave him spoonfuls of ice. But when the nurse came by to give him his pills crushed up in chocolate pudding, he spent the next 15 minutes coughing up brown phlegm.

He seemed alert, but very tired. He would lose his breath mid-sentence. There were long pauses when we did not talk at all and I just sat in the wheelchair beside his bed, watching him breathe heavily, squirm in discomfort. Felt helpless.

I stayed for an hour, but eventually had to leave. That felt wrong. It is one thing to come and go each week, when I know that he is going down to dinner, will come back to his room and puzzle or hook for awhile before going to bed. But to leave alone a man who is dying. That is just not right.

But yet, here I am back home and there he is across town, alone in a room on the 5th floor as the sky grows dark outside and a long night falls.

Passing

I went to Ann's funeral this week. She was my 93-year old friend I visited most Sundays. I wish I could say every Sunday, since of course, now that she is gone, I regret those ones I missed.

I am looking at her picture as I write. I wish I could scan it in so you could see, but I can't find the cord for the scanner. So let me tell you what I see - a cautious smile; thin shoulders overwhelmed by a blue jacket made for a woman the size she once was; her soft, grey hair which was letting grow this last year, fans out around her face. The face is soft, wrinkled and pale. The eyes are weak and surrounded by old fashioned, over-sized glasses. She seems uncertain, a little shy, but like she has her own little joke she will keep to herself.

The day after we got back from Europe, there was a message on my phone from Ann's friend telling me Ann passed away on Thursday. Peacefully at 7 p.m.

I had been looking forward to seeing Ann that Sunday. I hadn't told her I was going away and felt bad about that. In fact, I had missed the week before as well. The last time I saw her was shortly after I got engaged - I am glad at least that I was able to share that with her.

Why is it that guilt is usually my first reaction upon hearing of someone's death? When I heard that Uncle Henry had passed, for weeks I was overwhelmed with guilt that I had not done more for him in his last months, been there with him at the hospital, written him, called more often. It is hard to forgive myself for these things, even though I know I must.

But when I put aside my own guilt or regret, I can actually be happy for Ann. She truly was ready to go - she would tell me so almost every time I saw her. Parkinson's had robbed her of so much and her body was a burden, a prison. I am glad she is free.

Even the funeral was not so mournful. Everyone knew she was ready to go. As the minister said, she longed to be free of this world. We sang her favourite hymn, 'What a friend we have in Jesus' - a wavering, weak rendition that somehow seems so appropriate to this old, familiar song. Ann's friend read a touching eulogy. The minister said a few words and led some prayers in a passionless voice. We sang 'Amazing Grace', a hymn that apparently Ann had agreed 'would do', and the service was over.

When I came out of the funeral home into the bright light of a cold winter afternoon, everything seemed vaguely surreal. Ann was gone. This simple, brief funeral was the last tangible connection I would have with her. It actually felt like a chapter in my life was ending. I have known and visited Ann for almost five years. I always knew she wanted to go, but now that she is there is an emptiness in the space in my life where she was.

Euro trip

Just got back from a holiday in Berlin and Prague.

The people were rather cold and intimidating.

	But the animals were friendly.

	And of course there was plenty of beer.

happy news

I have not been writing much lately. Well that's not really true - I've been writing a lot, it's just that most of it is for school. Reflections on readings, research proposals, assignments, etc. I think I have also become one of amazon.ca's favorite customers.
But schooling aside, there have been some rather momentous events in my life.








We knocked down a wall in our house.









And I said yes.

talking to the woman who broke me

Most people who have heard the story of how a physiotherapist separated my shoulder have told me to sue. Certainly, during the 3 months of almost constant pain, I entertained the thought more than once.

But there's something about doing a master's in conflict studies - makes me evaluate any conflict in my life from a more theoretical point of view. Personal conflicts take on more significance as I found myself analyzing them and how they should be handled.

If I really believe that people in conflict should first try to talk honestly about the situation and hear the other person's perspective... well I guess that's what I should do.

But for all my lofty theories, I am still a chicken. It took my physio's secretary calling to check an address for sending my last bill for me to ask for an appointment to talk with her. I then had a week of restless dreams before the appointment - this morning at 11:30.

I went in prepared for the worst - armed with receipts of almost $350.00 in physio bills and a copy of the doctor's diagnosis of an A/C sprain (a separated shoulder).

She greeted me with a warm smile, wished me a happy new year and asked how my Christmas was. I was too nervous to make small talk, but I did make an effort to demonstrate friendliness and good intentions.

I started by saying that I wanted to talk about the 'whole shoulder thing', to give my perspective. I went over the events quickly and she agreed with me. She seemed glad to hear that I had got a diagnosis and treatment that has helped. She said it is very unusual for a shoulder to separate like mine did, but did not in any way deny that she had done that to me. I told her that since she knows my situation (full-time student, working part-time for an NGO), she could appreciate that this has been not only painful and disabling, but also very expensive. I asked if she would consider refunding the money I had paid for her treatments. She agreed immediately and asked if I would also like her to refund the physio I did at Carleton University. I handed over all my receipts and she said she would mail me a cheque for everything.

It was all over so quickly! Not five minutes had passed and everything was resolved. How long have I been mulling over this, frustrated and complaining? I'd like to think I've learned something today.

For the Snowmen of St. John

Spent some of the Christmas holidays in St. John this year. They have rather strange traditions there.

For example, on Boxing Day (during which, incidentally, all stores are closed) they build miniature snowmen and carry them down to the river.

They sing 'Frosty the Snowman' and hop on one leg.

Then pitch the poor snowmen into the river, which immediately melt.

It's a grisly, but strangely hilarious, spectacle.

Saturday Bingo

I am late getting to Ann's room, so she is getting ready for Bingo on her own. Slumped forward in her wheelchair, she is trying to attach the footrests.
"I didn't think you were coming," she says.

"I'm sorry I'm late." I attach the footrests and then ask if she needs anything else before going downstairs to the common room where Bingo is held each Saturday at 2:00.

"I think I should use the washroom," she whispers. Ann, who is in her 90s, has Parkinson's and in addition to robbing her of most of her mobility and sight, this disease is taking away her voice. I have to lean in very close to hear her words. Her hearing is also failing, so conversation is limited.

I wheel her into the washroom and pull down her pants and underwear so she can use the toilet. As she has grown increasingly weak in the last year she has become almost indifferent to the assistance she needs in performing what most of us take for granted as a very private task. I have become accustomed to, but never unaware of, the pale flesh hanging in loose, wrinkled folds on bone-thin legs, the monstrous plastic underpants, the way her legs dangle when she sits on the seat...

After this task is finished, I fix her sparse but silky-soft grey hair into a thin clip at the back of her head, fetch her small purse and we are ready to go down for Bingo.

It is busy today; over a dozen residents, many accompanied by family. I take Ann to her regular place and greet the others at the table - the sharp-witted German lady who plays four cards and watches everyone else's to make sure they don't miss a number, and Mr. D, the other senior I visit on Sundays.

I search through the stack of Bingo cards for Ann's lucky numbers - 8 and 13 and in the upper left hand corner. (I'm not too fussy about the cards I take for myself, but I must have picked right today since I win the first game.)

The man who calls Bingo is a volunteer who has been spending his Saturdays here for years. He has a thick German accent, but enunciates clearly and speaks slowly into the microphone, so everyone hears him. Each game is played in the same order each week, but he never fails to remind us which game we are playing - one line any direction, full card, four corners, little fence around the house...

To play a card for an hour costs only 25 cents, so this is not expensive entertainment. Neither is it fast paced. I keep an eye on Ann's card and point out numbers she misses - but she usually doesn't need my help. As I wait for our numbers to be called, I look around the room.

...A man with and baseball cap on long, greying hair, thick sideburns and a burly chest holds his mother's hand and helps her cover the numbers on her card.

...A woman is sitting beside her elderly mother on the other side of the room. Several times during the hour mother leans toward her and says loudly, "I love you".

"I love you too," her daughter always replies and I always smile to hear them and watch the elderly woman lean toward her daughter with a full, childlike smile and the daughter place her arm around her mother's shoulders.

After the last game has been called, Ann agrees to stay for tea and crackers, so I fetch two cups and a plate of soda crackers and processed cheese from behind the bar. She forgot to put in her lower dentures, but still manages to eat a couple of crackers. She doesn't eat much these days and I don't know how she can afford to lose any more weight, so I am glad to see her eat even this much.

When she is done I take her back upstairs to her room and make sure she is comfortably in her reclining chair before leaving. So many times I have said good-bye to Ann at the end of a visit and wondered if I would ever see her again. She tells me often that she wants to die, and yet her disfigured body refuses to give up. All I can do, today as any other day, is to say good-bye, tell her I will be back next week. She thanks me for taking her to Bingo; I tell her it was my pleasure. It really was.

getting ready for spring

"So we should start our garden soon," she says.

"What? Winter is just beginning," says he.

"Winter? There is no winter. Look outside, the grass is green. Squirrels are still running around our backyard. I'm sure the trees will be budding soon."

"Stupid climate change."

"That's okay. I bought you a composter." She says this as if composting is the most exciting thing you can do next to hang-gliding off the Peace Tower. "You can put in in the backyard. I'll fill it with my coffee grinds and grapefruit rinds. And then what fun we will have this spring with our lush compost dirt."

And so here he is, on December 20, putting a composter in the backyard. Just in time for the first day of spring.

give a pig or polar bear this year

There are few things that make me so grumpy or tire me so quickly as shopping. Especially in a mall. Especially in December. If I was to decide to live off the land in some remote cabin, it wouldn't be as much about preserving nature as it would be fleeing big box stores and giant parking lots.

But what is tolerable for 11 months of the year now becomes unbearable. The endless christmas pop bopping distractedly in every store, interrupted for customer announcements or price checks... the crowds of impatient shoppers... the line-ups... the sticky hot feeling of sweat forming on your back when you have three layers of winter clothes on because it is -20 outside but tropically warm in the store...

In case there are any of you out there who share even partially my aversion to all things mall-like in December, but have some people in their lives they would like to give presents to, I have found some solutions you make like.

What's great about these is not only do you avoid the malls (your purchases are mailed right to you or to the recipient), but these are extra warm and fuzzy gifts since they do good things besides just making someone happy.

For example, check out Gifts that Matter, of Plan's Gifts of Hope , both of which suggest things you can buy on behalf some someone to benefit communities around the world - things like seeds for Vietnam or Zimbabwe, a goat for a family in Zambia, or a bee-keeping kit for people in Egypt. These gifts usually come with a certificate and card that you can give to someone - perfect for the person who has everything.

But if you still want a little something to give besides the feel-good of a good cause, World Wildlife Federation has the cutest stuffed toys that you get when you adopt an animal. My mum gave us a panda last year who sits on the bookshelf in the bedroom. The year before I had given her a surprisingly docile and floppy Bengal tiger.

Of course, there are always the on-line stores I have resorted to when looking for that hard-to-find book or cd, and there I can avoid the malls and line-ups too, but this year, since so many of the special people in my life are also scaling back from the consumerism of the season, I'm giving education and livestock. And buying these has made me neither grumpy or tired, in fact I feel pretty good. Rather unusual for a post-shopping trip.

did it work?

The question has been asked - has pushing the bones back together actually worked?

I'd say the answer is mixed. If we are actually dealing with a Grade 3 (see images showing the gradations of AC separation) - a sign of which is the raised bump on the shoulder - then I am not so sure that simply pushing on my bones is going to fix this. As perhaps is understandable, I have lost some faith in my physio. I would really like to get a second opinion.

Admittedly, after she pushed on my shoulder, it did seem to fall a bit lower (it had been noticeably higher). Also, while with my left hand I can reach behind my back up to my shoulder blades, with my right I could not get past my waist. Now I can force my hand halfway up my back. It's not pretty, it's not painless, but supposedly is a sign that things are on the mend.

I don't know how long it will be before I am back to normal however. But at least I can study, write papers and exams and read... that's about all I have time for these days anyway.

Thanks for the concern!

I'm paying for this?

Did you know that you can shift the position of your bones by pushing on them? Apparently you can - it's been done to me.

That migraine I wrote about in September was actually a misdiagnosed pinched nerve - which explains the jerking of my arm and the tingling in my fingers. I went to a physiotherapist who diagnosed me with thoracic outlet syndrome, which is basically a pinching of nerves from compression of bones or ligaments around the spine. The physio's solution for this was to manipulate my shoulder by pressing, tugging, turning, taping... to open it up so it would stop pinching the nerve that weaves through these bones. In three painful sessions she tried to shove my shoulder into "the right place".

Physiotherapy is not only painful, but expensive, so after a few of these sessions I told her that I would work on the exercises she gave me and perhaps come back to see her in a few months. On our last session she used super-tape to pull my shoulder down.

Foolishly I went to a yoga class that night, with my taped up shoulder freshly raw from the physio's pummeling. Half-way through the class I was unable to lift my arm above my head or support any weight with it.

That was almost 2 months ago. Since then I have been in almost constant pain - often it seems like hot knife blades are stabbing my shoulder. The weight of my small purse is too much for that shoulder. Reaching back to put my arms in the sleeves of my jacket is torturous.

But I went to 2 doctors, one of which told me (and I kid you not, I am quoting here) "Sit down and shut up... I don't care about your pain." Another one said it was a rotator cuff injury and to come back in 6 months if I still had pain. Sigh.

And I sit around getting fat since even going for a walk is too jarring. Yoga is out of the question, as are any of the other fitness classes I was doing. Dropped out of curling. No to volleyball invitations...

I was reluctant to go back to the physio who did this to me in the first place, but yesterday I finally went to see her, figuring that at least she knows my history and may listen to me...

So it turns out that she had been successful in pulling down my shoulder. Problem is - the collarbone didn't go with. She now thinks I have a separated shoulder - yup, that's the kind of injury that sidelines pro football players.

See where the clavicle is supposed to touch your shoulder? Well, mine doesn't. It's sticking up like there is marble tucked under the skin of my shoulder. Technically, I have an acromioclavicular joint separation, or AC separation.

The brilliant solution? Push them back together! I'm not kidding, I lay on my left side while she pushed on that painful tip of clavicle that's poking up. She alternated this with ultrasound to try and keep the swelling down.

Yes, first she pulls my bones apart, now she is pushing them back together.

And I'm paying for this??

handy knits

I began knitting about two years ago and have always seen it as a little nerdy. I defend it adamantly and call it my yoga, but admit that it may not be the hippest thing around.

So it was nice to discover that other people seem to enjoy something I knit.

I first made myself a pair of funky fingerless mitts about a year ago and found them so useful and cozy. They were great for fall and spring weather, and even in the winter I put them over another pair of mitts to keep my hands extra warm.

In September a friend of mine complained of cold hands after curling for a few hours, I lent her these mitts and she didn't take them off for the rest of the night. The next day she was wearing them again and I insisted she keep them - it was nice to see something I made being enjoyed by someone else.

I made myself another pair, but gave those to a friend on her birthday in November - they warmed her hands and showed off her lovely manicure.

The mitt shown in the photo above is of my latest pair, a thick, warm set of blended wools. Now that is quite chilly out, I've been wearing them everywhere - and have been picking up compliments... so I've decided to see if I can go into business. I'm going to make up little business cards and next time someone asks where I got my mitts, I can pass them a card and tell them I take orders. $25 a pair, of $15 if they want to provide the wool. I've already set up an email account at gmail.com where I can take order - handy.knit.

So if you know of anyone who has cold hands and likes some funky handmade handy knits... pass this on.

(above photo is of a winning scrabble game and the first of these mitts I made)

meow!

No time to blog these days.

There are balls to chase, socks to fetch, kibbles to eat... a nap to be had by the fireplace.




And there are those darn feathers to catch.