I spend a lot of time in coffee shops, often observing dynamics at other tables. Have you ever watched two women friends have a close conversation? Their body postures and gestures will mirror each other’s, subconsciously sending signals of empathy and interest. Their facial expressions will reflect what they are hearing. If their friend is sharing a frustration, they’re will be flashes of empathetic annoyance. They share smiles of shared excitement and joy.
I’ve noticed too with my close female friends that we intuitively echo and validate each other’s feelings. If a friend tells me about her horrible day, I’m unlikely to say, ‘that’s not so bad. Stop whining about it’. And if I share a frustration my good friends don’t minimize what I’m saying, they get right into it with me and only say things to cheer me up after first showing me how they get how frustrated I feel.
So thinking about all this and how it seems to come naturally among friends, I wonder why it seems so counter-intuitive to have the same approach to children.
I’ve read a few blogs and books lately that extol the wonders of empathetic communication with children. For example, one of the “most important lessons is simple, and just as applicable to adults as to children: acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings. Don’t deny feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance.”
This is presented as if it’s a radical approach to parenting – and yet it’s something that we do so easily with adults we care about.
Perhaps it’s because we were raised with plenty of ‘stop making such a mountain out of a mole hill’ and ‘no use crying over spilled milk’. Perhaps it’s because these little people can’t communicate as articulately as our friends. Perhaps we’re just tired and in need of a coffee. I don’t know.
But I do know I’m trying to treat my daughter’s feelings with the same respect and empathy my friends show to me.
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